As I vacuumed my lady's car this evening, a few thoughts rushed my heart, and I immediately ruminated over the gem-like vibrations they carried. Like any other moments of my life (whether awake or sleep), I was lost in thoughts of love and being a vessel willing to continually cleanse my heart and grow in mind to be worthy of carrying the purest cut of this delicacy.
Lost in thought while muscle memory took over the vacuuming portion of my task, I revisited relationships I've had the pleasure to experience. Gently examining steps I've taken in efforts of love provides me reflective insight on who I once showed up as in relationships. This measure of self-reflection is so crucial for me because I have always claimed to be a "deep lover, " but that didn't mean the depth of my love gave life instead of taking it.
A well-known quote attributed to James Baldwin, African-American novelist, essayist, playwright, poet, and social critic, “Know from whence you came. If you know whence you came, there are absolutely no limitations to where you can go," is not only a moral standard I live by but also a methodological approach to my reaching and returning to my truth.
I am very clear that some shit just ain't meant to last, and as I've grown as a lover, I live in a very pleasant realm where I've released all prior experiences of love in LOVE and continue to keep the shit moving.
Anywho. Back to cleaning the car and listening to Voodoo by D'Angelo. I thought about why the small task of keeping my lady's car cleaned brought me so much pleasure? I wondered why did merely cleaning the vehicle open my heart's awareness to other areas of love and our relationship I must take full responsibility for as a mature lover and life partner; to cultivate a love experience that is healthy, full of unspeakable joy, and embodies resurrection power for the moments when life seeks to deliver mental, spiritual, and emotional demise. At that very moment, the gift of insight on how to be a grown ass-mature lover invaded my entire being.
When you decide to no longer try to perfect your usual routes of love and relationships, that have always lead to the same destinations, you open yourself to untrodden territory; you know the road less traveled. Getting off the nearest exit when you see, feel, and hear yourself returning to cycles is a smart move.
I don't give a fuck how well you know the roads of your frequently travels in love:
- You know where all the potholes are, so you are mindful to bob & weave to avoid damage.
- You know when and when not to commute to avoid congestion.
- You even know where all the speed traps are; therefore you are good with slowing down and speeding up at your pace, avoiding a citation.
With all this knowledge of how to navigate through your relationships/situationships, allowing the efforts of love to feel "easier" with a sense of comfortability, unfortunately, you are still going in the same direction. What in all the f***s! That hit me like a ton of bricks when it burst through my heart and stared back at me in my face. I learned how to play my own game. I learned how to avoid conflict to keep the peace. I learned how to speed up and slow down my expressions of love based on the situation. I knew how to close my emotional house in order not to feel but still operated like I was open for service. I knew how to do relationships. I knew how to lie to myself. However, I did not take full responsibility for what it meant to love and to be a lover. First, I did not hold myself responsible for being true to myself and my feelings, and secondly, I didn't hold anyone else accountable to love me the way I KNEW I should be loved. I half-assed what I signed up for and in the long run it always lead to the same destination.
To love on a different level, to get a different feel, to be given access to areas not yet touched by others, to receive the depth of the highest gift, you have to be willing to take the responsibilities of being entirely conscious of how you show up as a lover. There are no excuses. Relationships are not just about you. I know we have become one hell of a selfish culture when it comes to love, but baby, if you want to experience the deepest, you have to give of yourself completely. Nothing held back.
You are responsible for someone else's emotional life. You can't just do what you want and expect a "you know how I am," or "everyone in my past has.." to be the reason you don't give your lover EVERYTHING she needs. You are required to be an asset to her life and not just her bed, her purse, or her arm. You are required to make sure you fill in every gap presented and discovered. You are required to be honest about what you need and how you desire to grow to love her better. You don't know it all. You have the responsibility not to show up emotionally empty-handed and to divorce any victim-mentality you've grown to love over the years.
Love's responsibilities are not to throw you a pity party, or "let me" fix you event, love shows up with real life and a mature heart, ready to plant a beautiful garden with the patience to tend to it and await the harvest. Love also possesses all the tools and resources to weather any storm. Love commits 100% without any doubts. Love is not picture perfect, it’s beautiful abstract art only interpretable by those who seek to understand its meaning and purpose.
I thought about the responsibilities of love and was very clear on why my previous relationships did not last.
I thought about the responsibilities of love and was very clear on why the simple task of making sure her ride is clean, and maintenance brought me so much joy.
I hung up the vacuum hose and entered the car. I closed the door, cranked the car, pulled down the vanity to look at the person who had spoke to me the entire time I was cleaning the car... I saw a grown ass woman, one willing and ready to be a mature ass lover, who takes FULL responsibility for love and how she shows up EVERY SINGLE DAY.
You have a responsibility to be completely honest with yourself DAILY about your travels in love and to not pull emotional triggers with the safety off when you know you are not ready to SHOOT for deep lasting love with another soul.