I thought about it a few times. Hell, maybe more than a few. I had to deliberate over the decisions I was about to make in my life. I knew what I wanted to do, and I knew how each vibration of every decision would change the course of my life. Shit, before that moment, I'd been avoiding and processing the rejection of love on what seemed like a daily basis. However, I was getting better with it, and I was able to recognize what I needed versus what I wanted. Many things came in shiny cases with beautiful words and garbage bags full of soiled expensive cloth, but none of that shit mattered anymore when I decided to learn and let go of each experience and take the road less traveled in my journey. I've come to realize there are so many forks in the road while traveling through evolution, growth, and love that we are almost always at the brink of decision-making.
The truthful moments during this deep dive within myself revealed my lack of self-trust and the subtle fear of making horrible decisions on behalf of my heart. Throughout my relationship experiences, I had suffered traumas which unknowingly continued to debilitate my intuitive trust and confidence. Without words, I rejected any sign that could potentially represent the "signs" I had been seeking. How could this be? I had become emotionally counterproductive and the nemesis of my heart. I had all the knowledge I needed not to go backward, but lacked the fuel to go forward; therefore, I contemplated the benefits of staying stagnate. I was willing to remain in an environment that didn't propel me forward and rationale my decision by saying, "at least I'm... (fill in with some random, delusional bullshit ass excuse).
When we willingly become stagnate, everyone and everything that know our last location have access to us. Feelings, emotions, people, and situations are capable of approaching us with the same ole' lines, tricks, schemes, and bullshit that could get us caught up and potentially go backward; even with all the lessons we said we've "learned." I often think that it is us that make a fool of ourselves. However, as long as I remained st`uck on stupid regarding people and situations, the transmission of my frequencies caused static communication with my higher self and the complacent mind I was settling to operate from. Frustration arose leaving me incapable of rationalizing what was best for me versus what would suppress my "right now" pain. What I learned a few years ago finally kicked in and I was able to shift my mind into gear.
- Actions and intentions are two different things
- When you replay the story, replay EVERYTHING (include the good and bad from all sides) to avoid making decisions from a place of guilt.
- Gestures of kindness is not a sign of love.
- Gifts will never equal emotional investments
- If a person truly desires to change who they are, they have to work on revamping their character, not just switching up their behavior.
The wisdom I have now come from many years of being stuck on stupid; from doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. When we finally open our eyes to the truth about who we are and the time we've spent waiting for the validation from the emotional accounts of the "beautifully rich," we become aware of our emotional vanity. I wasn't ashamed of my truth (on this journey you learn to embrace the reveal); however, I did wonder about the conditions of our heart consciousness that allows us to waste so much time searching through the same emotional house of others seeking a different feel? Why did I spend so much time standing still looking forward, while my heart was staring backward? Purposed stagnation caused me a great deal of mental and emotional confusion. I know for sure I suffered from temporary insanity by staying attached to people and things I know was not the best for me.
I remember the day I decided to jump again. I closed my eyes in that dark, damp, stink ass ally. I felt the hollowness of the lack thereof; noticeably empty of meaningful connectedness. I silenced my beating heart and heard the snickers of those who know of my last location. Little did I know the doubt they spewed about me was hand fed from myself.
The next sound was like a gunshot; it was my heart resuscitating itself. I bolted from my stagnation and leaped off the grid without thinking. I ran for my emotional sanity. There were feelings of guilt because I left without notice, well, this time I didn't say anything. There were also brief moments of sadness because I snatched my cords from routines I'd become accustomed to. But when I replayed the entire story, I saw how I was standing in that ally alone, by myself, only visited occasionally by those who had no intention of staying or caring enough to love me forward, so why not leave? That lack of self-trust and emotional confidence took flight with me; however, it was at the moment I did not hit the ground, I immediately elevated higher by hearing a language very similar to mine own. My emotional house reached an altitude that depleted the self-sabotaging behaviors that anchored me to old situations and fears.
Disconnecting from people and situation you asked for, or somehow found yourself in with every intention to remain is not easy. You go through so many emotions and feelings trying to understand why this and why that. Substantial energy is slung your way through blame, accusation, prying, spying, etc. But at the end of the day, you come to a place where you never want to forget about yourself again. You don't want to sacrifice your emotional and mental well-being hoping to...(fill in the blank).
All said to say; it's okay to disconnect and go off the grid unapologetically. You owe no one an explanation when you are sure of what you know. You don't have to remain accessible to anyone or anything that does not nourish the growth of your soul.
I made a concrete decision on July 12, 2018, to commit to the new life I deserve. It was an opportunity I almost lost because of emotional self-doubt. That doesn't have to be you. Clean, clear, and cultivate your emotional sanctuary for energies that come to dine in peace and love; all others are served in the outer courts.