Thursday evening I was thrown into some much needed shadow work. I didn't expect it, but I was not surprised by its arrival. Hell, because I never think I am above the journey, regardless of how insightful I "become." Sometimes I don't want to speak a word about the matters of the heart because how much of a student I am to the journey and the work; however, I give up myself to the mission every day I open my eyes, so to renege on the complete process would be pointless. Anyway, as we all know there are some traumas and wounds deeper than others. I have a few of them. Getting thrown into the valley is not the alarming part anymore, but I believe my deep sighs are from when I look up and see how far down I am, and the work I know it is going to take to pull myself back to emotional and mental equilibrium. The results of hard work are deeply desired, but that does not negate the knowing of potential pain, the moments of exhaustion, and the thoughts of saying fuck it.
So, I was there Thursday and it didn't lift off of me until Saturday afternoon. It was dark. I was scared; gripped by fear. In fact, it was fear that blinded my insight which led to my plummet into the valley of deep insecurities and unresolved issues in the first place. I never thought I was not going to come out of it, but I was skeptical of my mindset once I worked through it. Old thoughts... voices... flashback memories were loud and insisting on alternative methods of recovery. I felt defense mechanism infiltrating my boundaries more than I liked. I didn't want my belief system to shift while I worked towards emotional sobriety. Ugh. On the inside, I was a complete mess. I bunkered down for days. I cried it out, talked it out and waited patiently for the voice of peace and balance to navigate me through each step. It was very clear that I had to do the work. There was no magic carpet anywhere around... and honestly, at this point in the journey, I don't look for one anymore. I pulled out my tools and transitioned from responding emotionally unintelligent to strategic reflection.
My world paused, even while in full operation of normalcy. If this moment would have come six months ago, I would be outdone with myself for remaining still for as long as I did; however, when you intentionally connect with yourself, (I spend a lot of time alone), you have better insight on your healing process. I know what lying still does for my soul. I know what it takes to heal my heart.
After three days it was clear I have emotional baggage that I've taken the time to unpacked, but I've left items unsorted. Right in the middle of doing life, I was hit with a trigger that I had not prepared for. And when I went to my reservoir for tools to combat the spiraling, I had not organized my emotions and lessons, thus leaving me to sit in the middle of my floor surrounded by a pile of shit that I couldn't walk away from until I cleaned it up.
Your baggage is yours to carry and to sort out once you unpack it. You can't avoid doing the work. I walked away from that experience understanding that I must engage in deep cleaning of my emotional house often. Why? Because cleaning is not a one-time thing... especially if you dwell within your home. Things start to get a little messy after a few days of normalcy. Certain areas of the house go unattended to, but it takes weird smells, eye-sores from things out of place, and lost items for it to click that it is time to clean up again... and with an intention to deep clean: throw away shit you don't need (use) and organize for functionality.
This morning I was brought to truth in meditation and tears during yoga. I confessed and dried all of it with the pages of my journal.
You have the tools... use them. Don't forget that shadow work is a good work.
ParKer Bryant
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