Loving Her While Healing Me

The Japanese art of kintsugi teaches that broken objects are not something to hide but to display with pride.

The question of "should I date..." will be asked as long as compatibility and companionship are desired. And as I've always thought, deciding on when to date is just like making the decision on whom to date... at the end of the day, it is solely up to you.

I've never been one to quickly take or give advice when such questions knock on my emotional house doors. This question alone is loaded with tiers of emotional-logical decision making factors that can be inhibited by individual perspectives from lived experiences. Yes, processing through similar situations can give validation to our insight; however, regardless of how much we think we know, our lived experience and perspective are valid but impartial. Thus, even if I was to give you full disclosure of the 5W's and 1H of dating, it will never summarize the experience enough to satisfy your longing to know and most of all feel free once you commit to the decision.  

I don't knock anyone trying to "save" others from going through similar experiences, but at the end of the day, it's not our job to give answers to anyone but ourselves. However, to hold space for those to become the source of their own assurance is honorable. How can one truly process through and to the cycles of self-trust if they aren't able to acquire the meat of lessons; which is to discover the answers within and apply them accordingly. Yeah, the answers from within.

The collective awakening of higher consciousness and self-care has engaged many in spiritual routines of noninvasive internal medicine practices; healing traumas, shedding ill-ideology and self-rediscovery. This translates to an intense, yet a delicate state of being that transcends our now existence. Thus, the forever question of "should I date..." is now paired with "while healing." As you all know I try to never get into the thick of trends; especially when it comes to the heart. It's exhausting to see the rat race, so I can only imagine the level of depletions for those actually involved. However, after asking myself the same question (that was before anyone asked me) and after a member of Being A Better Lover's exclusive group posed the question... I would like to give you this... from my lived experience of loving while healing.

Sensitivity and callousness can quickly become deep potholes and roadblocks while traveling to wholistic self-love.  But isn't that life anyway? What I can say is... loving---- deeply--- while healing is not a journey for all, then again it is. Due to your openness, it's easier to get lost and damaged. You run the risk of mishandling yourself and others and others doing the same to you. It's very likely that you'll also experience the process of brokenness that's required for next levels of awareness while still being broken from your last encounter. And that can make anyone feel out of touch with reality; experiencing death and resurrection simultaneously. 

If you are easily triggered, unable to vocalize what's happening on the inside of you for your personal well-being, if you are unwilling to be aware of self, if you're not ready to process and make adjustments for the sake of emotional and mental stability, then maybe dating while healing is not the best option for you. Because all that was mentioned is not only the baseline for yourself while healing, but key components for establishing an authentic, strong foundation and growth when faced with life in general... oh yeah and when your shit and your partner's shit surface while loving each other UNCONDITIONALLY. 

However, to consider living in a state of complete isolation while healing is a bit unrealistic and sort of creepish.

On the flip side, loving while healing can birth the deepest connection with love and self. You are exposed to a depth of vulnerability and strength that's truly led by your heart; a frequency of existence incomprehensible on the human level. To embrace such a state of being must surpass the egoic mind. That's where many cease from following their heart because at that point the egoic mind must be silenced when it's screaming to prove itself right. It wants to talk you out of whatever you feel compelled to do. The ego/mind lives in a grandiose state of being as the protector of self, when in reality that's the heart's job.

Loving while healing allows you to experience beautiful sides of love and self when you are no longer afraid... to love. Loving while healing for me was a level of deep devotion, transparency, and surrender that gave me my wings and sharpened my sword. I found my strength that was ripped and given away in previous relationships. I discovered my voice for not only my heart but for my partner when muted and unable to convey her vibrations. I found stability, I found patience, I found strategy, solutions, and deeper levels of unconditional love I didn't know existed. I was strong. I didn't need to act out behaviors attached to a "role" or cover up my wholeness as a woman. Areas that were deeply bruised from years of ill-social constructs imposed by and outside of the community. I was okay with leading and being the answer, as much as I was okay with observing to know the way and seeking answers. Said to say, I was not afraid to stand in my truth at all times.

I was also given the ability to constantly look deeper into my wounds, my toxic, unintelligent, immature emotional behaviors, and all my excuses for being untruthful in areas of addictions. There was a continuous demand to look in the mirror and vow a deeper commitment to my healing because showing up in unconditional love for yourself and for your partner needs space and that is only given in absolute pureness. It kept me honest and exposed, and that's what makes or breaks many; to be naked and not ashamed. Translation: being able to own up to your shit on a frequent basis all while holding space for processing on either end of the relationship. 

I became a warrior because when you are on and in the battle with love as your armor and ammo to get injured is unavoidable. There is a guarantee battles will be lost, but to win the war with fewer causalities is the end goal. As I grow in love, it is my job to keep as many people from dying while spreading the unadulterated message of the power of pure love to the unbelievers and non-doers.

Sure, love while healing, or don't. Whatever decision you make, don't hold back from giving all you have to offer to the experience. The offense to the journey happens when you operate in self-doubt, leading to personal hypocrisy. When you lie to yourself trying to live for others (whether someone's advice or a collective idea of "how to") you decrease the authenticity of your narrative, and to me, that's what matters the most.

Because to love and heal is life itself, there is no escaping it. Who the fuck can be afraid of anything on heaven or earth that is willing to bear their newly put together pieces (soft and strong) as a display of art. To find the beauty in brokenness and the strength in boundaries is where we are people, accept on your own timing. 

Never forget, just because you're in your healing journey, the same games are still being played. There is a large group of beautiful people who are not there yet, and that is okay because they will arrive when their time comes. Loving while healing is not a state of unawareness and holding space for someone's shit that's not sincerely and actively trying to restructure themselves. So you make the choice, use your tools and do you, baby. 

Bye for now,


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