To Exhale After Winter

After almost ten minutes of silence, I told her to no longer think about what to say and just say it. 

She replied...

Where do I begin? To be honest, I am tired. I am downright exhausted of much of what brings me joy. Currently, I am unable to stomach taking much needed breaths to keep my tears from falling. Hell, I am tired of crying. I am tired of trying to figure it out. I am tired of showing up. I am tired of being positive. I am tired of understanding... I am just downright tired. But most of all, I am tired of wasting my time giving and pouring. I am tired of loving as I’ve never been hurt before only to be hurt again. I am tired of facing my truth and having no other option but to deal and be present, to evolve, to grow, to develop and to just be a grown woman about it. I am tired of allowing dirty hands to touch my soul. I want nothing more than to not have to... do... or be present.

She paused. I noticed she was not breathing. 

I answered her silence, "Breathe."  

"I can't."

"Why?" 

"Because I am afraid I will unravel. Spiral out of control and lose everything I've worked so hard for.  All the self-consciousness and ability to heal. I don't, not want to show up... in my best form...but..."

I walked over to her and placed my hand in the middle of her back and over her heart.
       "I will hold this space for you. I will give you physical assurance for your spiritual pouring... you will not meet your demise when you take this breath. Now, breathe."

The fear of abandonment that dilated her pupils at the thought of being too much, too emotional, just too... gripped her throat chakra. 

"I am not going to leave you at the release of your truth. You are not too much, you are ENOUGH... and I want to love you deeply in the Spring... so allow your breaths to pour."

** I ended the exclusive group for my business, something I prized for honesty and camaraderie. I failed to oversee energies as I should.

** Let's just say I neglected to protect my heart ONCE again. I poured even when I knew I was receiving drips.

** I have more than enough projects to complete, but currently, the creative process doesn't feed me. All I want to do is sleep.

** No one rings my phone and asks, “Are you okay?”

** I am tired of getting the lesson and having to come to the conclusion that yes indeed she, them, they, it was, in fact, a lesson. I may be tired of being the above standard lover that comes perfectly flawed and brave enough to deal with my shit while loving at the highest vibration possible and not to mention unconditionally. I am really exhausted at wasting my fucking time. I think I mentioned that, so you get the point.

** When I should be writing, creating, hiking, meditating, organizing, exercising, hydrating and... just doing all the shit that is promoted as meaningful living, I am experiencing, feeling, sleeping, procrastinating, sulking and barely holding on.

But...

I am okay with having moments of not being okay. Hell, sometimes that shit flows into what feel like seasons. And it those outspoken, honest and revolutionary spirits like Dr. Crystal Jones and Jill is Black (newly) that continues to confirm the complete OKAYNESS of not always being what is expected of me in a time when everyone is "self-caring." Not always posting the gym or in a yoga stance with long narratives about being the light under the full moon. It's okay to capture the times where growth is also not so elegant.

Spoke with my best friend Samantha and we both agreed, the energy and effort that truly transforms us can't be incense burned, saged, or crystaled away. Especially not those growth spurts that kick your ass out of your sleep from dropping you from some spiritual flight that scared the shit out of you. It is okay for me to not mute how I communicate through emotions and life because "people don't need to know you like that." My best method of healing is telling the absolute, muthafuckin' truth about all of this.

Honestly, I just let out everything I had been holding on to all winter. I waited to release it because I felt I needed it perfect. I needed you all to understand and appreciate in order to gain your support. I needed everything to make sense... and recently I am realizing that “making sense” can very well be a f’d up notion just like time. So, here we are... SPRING! 

And of course, I am doing just fine. :)

ParKer