Two Years Ago In A Coffee Shop [Reflective Free-Write]

I was seconds away from staying in the house today; however, I am happy I made the hour drive to Atlanta to hang out at Drip Coffee. I swear this small coffee shop made an impression on me two years ago, and I’ve purposed myself to make it back. Here I am sipping a strong as Latte, and a Hummus sandwich that’s giving my mouth all the orgasmic feels I desire in a good bite.

I wanted to vibe with you today and tell you what’s been on my heart-mind.

First all, you have more control of this shit than you think. I heard that loud and clear when I walked in my home sometime last week. Not really knowing what it pertained to, I still accepted the affirmation with ease. I know the predominant thoughts of my heart, so it could only be a few things. After I was made aware of the message target, it made more sense.

See, here is the thing, you can, but you also don’t have to- whatever that is for you, especially if that thing does not pour into you with unprecedented love and support without manipulation. Secondly, if you are going to— make sure you show up in all truth. Don’t be out here perpetrating. There is nothing more flawed than a fraud. Lawd. Just be real with people, and please, please keep it 100% with yourself.

Okay, to get to the point of me thanking ALL that is good this morning when I opened my eyes was based on a text message I received at two o'clock this morning. A thread of three text messages allowed me to reflect over the last few weeks (hell probably months) and smile instead of becoming sad or enraged.

A felt thought:
To find yourself in energy that is pure and without undercover negative intentions is a freeing feeling.

A little over a year ago, I started to seek what makes love last actively? We all know why people cheat, but we often lack in our exploration of what makes love last through all levels of connectivity. And in this search, I came back to the main culprits: myself and the energy I allowed to inhabit my space.

First things first, I can’t be a fraud. Yes, I know, the second time. I am quite serious about it. I can’t present myself as a faithful and loyal lover, and on the low, I seek void fillers from others when my relationship’s connectivity is low. I have to remain in a state of faithfulness to not only myself, but also to my partner and the person I promised her I would be; the only moment I am allowed to switch after I have given her my complete truth without manipulation and the purest transparency. In this, I have also allowed her to speak her truths without becoming combative and needing to be right. I also opened my heart to her perspective, no matter how contrary it is to my own. Lastly, after giving her space to make a soul-rich conscious decision based on truth - which should come before an intentional disconnect- whether mentally, emotionally, physically, or sexually I still must handle her with care.

That alone pulled me into a space of needing to be honest with myself. Before truly wanting emotional intelligence and maturity, I was good for emotional withdrawals from fear of rejection and abandonment. I would also aggressively seek void fillers. And most of the time it did not manifest as hoeish at it sounds, but the energy around me was thick. If someone told me no, I was fine with that, but if you showed any signs of maybe- I relentlessly pursued because I had no self-healing ability. So, in 2018 I had to learn how to sit in it and take it. I had to feel every bit of the feelings I always wanted to avoid. It didn’t feel good at all, but I was determined to break down the toxic behaviors of being someone who entered an emotional connection with someone before experiencing an unhealthy disconnect from another.

Said to say, you have to be real about who you are. I have always respected the game. And in every case, the game will still be played. HOWEVER, you don’t have to play. And you surely can’t play the game expecting anything other than games to be played. If you don’t want steady love and commitment, don’t find or stay in situations where steady love and commitment are the rules of engagement. Although the attachment may be what you desire, you enter a state of principle violation when you willfully neglect to exchange due harvest for the caliber of love you're reaping.

Currently, I have a growing tribe, and they are some of the purest people I’ve ever had in my life.

Can your friends assist you with relationship troubles without suggesting you go fuck or go out with someone to help aid in your coping…because that is not healing.

Can your ex honestly hold space for you without re-kindling what used to be between you all? Hell, can the ex respect that you are still in a relationship and not allow you to step outside good character when it comes to being in a relationship.

You know shit like, “Hey, have you spoken to your lady today? You think you want to call because we’ve been on the phone for some time.?

Are there moments when you want to find people in your emotional house that don’t crumble in loyalty when the world comes crashing down on them?

Within the last year, I have noticed how many people get a little annoyed with my lack of interaction with them. If you say you want to be my friend ( I don’t even know how to use this in my adult years), then be that. Many of us possess traits that are somewhere on someone’s check list, but that doesn’t mean we should start checkin’ just because we can. And just because I know you’re single or in an unsettled relationship doesn’t mean that is my green light to cross wires.

I know it is ubiquitous to be entangled with all kinds of energy these days. I also know it is common to disregard vows of commitment (although not yet married) when things get hazy without proper disconnection. I divorced those notions of love and relationships, had to. To experience something different when it comes to love is to always sow with a good heart. I also have to find myself around people who honor love the same way I do. I can not remain in spaces that are disloyal to their lovers. People who cheat and never tell. People who think it is okay to intrude on someone’s relationship when there are signs of low connection. And people who don’t have the guts to remain faithful to the heart of their lover.

Now, in no way am I saying that you must stay with anyone if your feelings have changed. Hell, I started this conversation by saying that you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but if you are going to, make sure you are true.

ParKer Bryant

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